It's Monday, and I'm afraid. Well, afraid may be a bit strong, but this is a week full of meetings for me at work. Our entire sales force is in town. What does that mean? Well, ladies and gentlemen, that means catering. Lots and LOTS of catering. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, two snacks, and booze. This kind of event is always difficult for me, but this week especially I'm apprehensive because I'm tired, but also because I'm more committed to the schedule than usual, so food prep and bringing my own snacks will be tough. Wish me luck.

On another note, we had a great weekend. Got most of the yard cleaned up and winterized. Its chilly here, so felt inspired to make some comfort food in the form of beef carbonnade, courtesy of Elise at simplyrecipes.com. Delicious. Husband had a big serving over mashed potatoes. I had a smaller version over spaghetti squash.

Almost Friday

Pretty good day today, although I have the last of my garden produce sitting on the counter. The last few delicious tomatoes and a cucumber. It has been a big help this summer to have a bunch of fresh, organic veggies to eat. It makes it much easier to stay away from the carbs. Now as winter is coming, I'll be back to relying on frozen veggies, so I'll have to be a bit more creative.

Better Day

Today was a better day, work and food-wise. I was thinking it would be a day of hellish carb cravings, which is what usually happens to me after a binge, but not too bad. I had very sensible (and delish) steel cut oatmeal and some egg beaters for breakfast, a big salad with flax oil and lemon juice for lunch, with some cottage cheese. Dinner went a little sideways on me (damn these 12 hour days at work!), although not too badly, in the form of a fabulous Mikey's Gyros Gyro with Feta. Yumm...

What the Hell Happened Today?

What. The. Hell???

I did something today that I haven't done in I don't know how long. My day at work started with a lot of stress, and I reacted HORRIBLY. We had treats at work this morning, Starbucks Coffee and doughnuts. I had three extra cups of Starbucks-more-caffeine-than-you-can-fit-in-any-other-cup coffee. Not a great choice, but ok, just a bit jittery. Then through the course of the morning, I ate a bear claw, half of a blueberry muffin the size of my head and then half of a almond poppyseed muffin of roughly the same size. I got to lunchtime feeling a bit sick, way strung out on caffeine and trying to figure out how this had happened to me.

Reminds me that I can't take chances when things are crazy.... I have to have good food to substitute for bad food that comes my way. Lesson learned. Again. I think I'm going to take me and my sick stomach to bed.

Long Weekend

Enjoying a good extended weekend, have been busy with home projects that were sorely in need of finishing. Also finished most of my Christmas gift jams, added a couple of new ones this year that I am pretty happy with: ginger pear and blackberry plum. I have been not quite so successful on the food front. I'm more regimented at work; there is less temptation. However, my workouts are better with more free time.... I have been doing Debbie Sieber's Slim in 6 videos at home, and it has been a nice change from the gym.

I have been struggling lately with the fact that the really simple diet that works for me absolutely doesn't jive with my interest and desire to cook. I love to cook, love to try new recipes, bake goodies, create beautiful presentation. Given my YEARS of dieting, I have become pretty accomplished at modifying recipes to be more healthful, but it isn't enough. I hate to think that the answer is to basically give up this part of my life, but it may be. A loaf of huckleberry zucchini bread made with Aunt Kotty's recipe has been staring me in the face for most of the weekend, reminding me that if I make delicious treats, most of the time I can't stay away from them.....sad.

Slogging along...

Thursday night and happy to see Friday ahead. Its been a loonnggg week at work. Pretty good food week. I have settled into a diet that includes lots of veggies, fruits, some lean protein and a VERY small amount of whole grain carbs, about 1600 calories a day. I feel good, but it is slow going with the scale. I need to amp up my water intake and up my workouts as well, I guess. Its funny how much harder going the weight loss has been this time around.

Delights of Summer

This time of year I am perfectly happy to make a meal of half a spaghetti squash and a handful of cherry tomatoes. Got home from the gym, and went out in the backyard with hubby to harvest. Green beans, tomatoes, two cucumbers, a spaghetti squash and a couple of stray strawberries. Dinner!

I have found that I really do feel a lot better limiting carbs to just a bit of whole grains, so the fresh veggies really help keep me on track. Looking out into my backyard at my garden bounty makes me smile.

Tempted by Cabernet

Had dinner with sister Jill tonight for her birthday, belated. Hubby was off doing a boys thing, so it was a great opportunity for us to hang out. Love Nectar. Some of my favorite food is a challenge these days, since I started really limited fermented foods (wine, cheese, vinegars, etc). Tonight was no exception, but hopefully the Nectar salad and shared apps won't be too damaging. What I didn't need, but really wanted, was the second glass of cab. What is it about wine in the summertime that turns me into a weeknight drinker?

On a completely unrelated note, last summer a friend introduced me to Mark Bittman's Tomato Jam, a savory and sweet tomato chutney. Its yummy with grilled chicken and pork, and is actually pretty darn tasty on a cracker. I made a batch last night, and it tastes like summer to me... give it a try.

Happy Carb-less Monday

Pretty good day today. I decided to do South Beach Phase I, to try and get myself off carbs and back on track. I find that when I start slipping, it is ALWAYS because of my carb intake. Don't get me wrong, these are not processed, refined carbs. I love whole wheat, high fiber, multigrain foods, I actually really do. However, it doesn't do me any good if I eat 3/4 of a box of high fiber wheat thins. In one sitting. Sad.

Despite being a little draggy because of the whole no carb thing, had a pretty good cardio workout today. I've been back on the treadmill for almost a week, and the last two days I've been doing a little bit of running, to see how my knee would do. Its definitely healing, but doesn't really hold up well jogging for more than a couple of minutes. I'll keep it up though, until my body tells me to stop. Hopefully by the end of June, I will have progressed enough not to embarrass myself in any way, and hopefully Shelly will wait for me at the finish line to give me a ride home.

By the way, if anyone out there is looking for a low carb sweet treat.... the vanilla ricotta cream recipe in the SB beach does not actually blow. Maybe it was my intense desire for dessert, but I actually kind of enjoyed it.

I'm still here!

So, its been a while since I've posted... my resolve has not been quite what it should be here lately, mostly in the area of the gym. I can't seem to hit my stride, although I've been doing ok on the food front, I KNOW that for me to be successful, I need a good food plan AND exercise. Damn metabolism won't settle for just one of those things, and truth be told, I don't want just one of those things either. But, as usual, I get hung up in the implementation part.

And, now, to make matters worse, because I am an extreme klutz, I am now sporting six stitches in my knee, and almost no mobility on that side...not to mention a broken Blackberry and a ruined pair of black dress pants. I am hoping that once the swelling goes down and the stitches are out that my knee isn't permanently damaged. We shall see. In the meantime, it is really screwing up my training plan for th RnR in Seattle. At this rate, I'll be lucky to walk the whole thing. Ugh. I guess this will give me an excellent opportunity to focus on diet only for the next two weeks.

Keep on Keeping On...

Not much to blog about these days, just been keeping on, hitting the gym, have done ok. Still working on the run/walk thing, and still psyching myself out about being able to run. I'll get there, though. Lots of travel for work lately, will be headed off for the rest of this week tomorrow. Busy long days make for no exercise. So, I'll just be careful of the food intake, and ramp it up again when I get home.

Be my Own Valentine

Been thinking alot about self image lately. This is not the first time this has come up, and has always had a (mostly) negative presence in my subconscious. It has been very present again recently, as I'm losing weight again and can see the changes start to occur in my body. It makes me happy, but that happiness also concerns me a little bit. I need to make sure that these outward signs of success aren't my only reward. I'm committed this time around to working towards health, not a pants size, and I think that will take constant reinforcement on my part. I think that is one of the keys to my journey. So, not to take anything away from my sweet husband, this Valentines Day (corny as it is) I'm gonna be my own Valentine. I'm doing this to improve me, in body and mind.

Half Marathon

I'm back! I don't remeber the last time I was really sick for this long. Finally started to feel a bit better on Monday, went back to the gym on Tuesday. Held my own and did not pick up any poundage, while I was wishing for sweet death to take me. I also signed up to do the Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon. I'm excited, and kind of sick to my stomach at the same time. I figure, worst case, I'll walk most of it, but it will give me something to train for.

Sick

This has been a sucky week. Really busy at work, and REALLY can't get over this stupid sinus infection. I don't remember the last time I breathed through my nose, and my head fells full and slow. Needless to say, I have not been to the gym, and my food intake has been so-so. I'm going to try to get back to the gym this weekend, and see If I can kick this thing.. Try, try again.... right?!?!?

Nothingness

Have not accomplished much of anything today. Turns out I have had a sinus infection for the past few weeks, and after going to the dr yesterday, today I actually feel worse. My head is stuffed full, and it has given me no good reason to go to the gym. So, I decided to take a little bit of a break today. Did some laundry, watched some football with the hubs on the couch with my blankie. I did watch my food intake today, and did ok, except for one small cheese incident (damn you, extra sharp white cheddar from the Co-op).

Tonight I'm going to put together a new gym mix for the iPod, look at my menu planner for the week, and start fresh.

Running... and not because I'm being chased....

At the gym yesterday I did the run/walk thing on the treadmill. You know, a couple minutes of running, couple of walking. I'll just say it right now. I'm totally intimidated by running. And I suck at it. Why is it that I can go forever on a cardio machine, and really work at it, and never feel like my heart is going to explode like it does after two minutes of running. I have to admit that it actually makes me a little bit afraid. Six o'clock news will be all about this poor chubby girl who overdid it a little bit at the gym, and kicked the bucket, right between the elliptical and the treadmill. Funny.... sort of. As I work towards trying to be a runner, I have more to work on in my head than anything else, I think. Another thing to add to the list.

As an aside, I'm currently counting calories, rather than points. It seems to be working. There is still a lot of emphasis placed on the process, which I think I have to get away from ultimately. But in the meantime, I find out if I map out my whole day and write down, and not have to make choices along the way, there is less obsessing over food.

Good Monday

Overall a pretty good Monday. Made good food choices all day long, drank all of my water, hit the gym tonight for cardio and abs. SO MANY people at the gym, Wow. I can't poke fun because it turns out I'm one of those new resolution folks, although its kind of by accident. My new beginning really has nothing to do with the new year, and everything to do with being ready to restart, and actually took place the week before the new year.... if anyone is wondering.

The only downside of today is that I was really hungry when I got home from the gym, and am feeling right now like I ate way too much dinner. Ugh. Here's to the 400 calories I burned at the gym saving my ass at dinnertime. The hungry thing that I talked about in my last post is obviously a work in progress. Why is it so hard to make good choices in reasonable portions when you are so hungry? This is the whole reason I started avoiding hunger in the first place. More to come on that I'm sure.

I have to confess that I'm a gym people watcher.... and yes, sometimes I do get caught staring. Its just that I'm so interested in what gets people to the gym on a regular basis. There is that one tv commercial, I think it is for 24Hour Fitness, maybe, where everyone has their reason for exercise written on their t-shirt. I love that commercial, because I think a really important part of my journey is figuring out what my t-shirt would say.... and I don't know yet.

Hungry!

I had a good day today. Sounds weird, but I am currently working on being hungry. Hungry doesn't happen very often to me.... I avoid it. For years I have associated being hungry with getting out of control with food. The idea originally was (and its not a bad one) is that if I would get too hungry, then I would not make good food choices. What it turned into over the last few years is me avoiding hunger...completely. I would eat my next meal or snack in advance of being hungry. It was just one more illusion of control on my part.

So, today was "don't eat until you are hungry day." For someone who thinks normally about food, this would seem like a no-brainer. For me, it took a fair amount of effort. But, the results were good. I waited to be hungry before putting anything in my mouth all day long. I realized two things: 1) that I don't have to be scared to be hungry, 2) I eat less if I wait until I'm hungry. Go figure. Sometimes I'm pretty slow for a smart girl.

Since the hubby is still out of town, I had what sometimes is my favorite dinner tonight... Random Bites o' Stuff. A mini eggbeater omelette with sauteed zucchini, a couple of pieces of raw cauliflower, a handful of pita chips with some lowfat artichoke tapenade and a No Pudge Brownie. Weird? Yes. Yummy? Definitely.

Ups and Downs and A Mini-Rant

So, weird day today. It started out ok, with a triple nonfat latte, and a morning free of meetings. Got better as I got closer to a long-overdue hair appointment this afternoon. Then, due to some automotive issues (damn jeep), I spent the evening shuffling cars around with my personal mechanic (dad). This meant that not only did I not go to the gym, I had a burger for dinner. Sitting on the couch right now, feeling a bit sick from the burger in my gut. However, had a good visit with dad, which does not happen very often. So, I'll be back to the gym tomorrow, and since the hubby is out of town, will probably have something veggie-licious for dinner tomorrow night.

So, speaking of veggies, I caught a few minutes of some show tonight on TV talking with Jessica Seinfeld, and her cookbook Deceptively Delicious. OMG. Am I the only person that thinks tricking your kids into eating vegetables by hiding veggie puree in recipes is AWFUL?!?! Has Miz Seinfeld considered that at some point her kids will be adults who will STILL refuse to eat vegetables, because in their minds, they never have before? This is apalling to me, and even more so because Oprah has endorsed this crazy way of thinking. Talk about food issues....wow.

I am grateful to have grown up in an environment where vegetables were fresh, plentiful and part of everyday life. This healthful journey would be so much harder if I were trying to avoid those foods.

Polar Bears?

I'm reading this book right now, callled the "4 Day Win." Premise is basically that diets don't work... you have to change the way you think about food in order to succeed. The author talks about Polar Bears, and starvation mode. Basically Polar Bears will eat everything that they can get their paws on, because they know there will be a time shortly when there won't be enough to eat. This is the same way that diets make you feel, you are immediately into starvation mode, which means that in many cases you will do the opposite of dieting. You will put away as much food as possible in order to avoid "starvation."

This is an interesting idea as I approach lifestyle modification. I am totally on board that deprivation will create an insane desire to overeat..... even thinking about deprivation launches me into planning my next meal. You'd think I grew up in the Depression, or that my parents didn't feed me. Believe me, neither are the case.

I am an expert dieter. I can regurgitate ww points values until the cows come home. I think the big challenge for me this time is changing the way I think about food. Food is fuel. Period.

The last couple of days have been pretty good. I've done ok on the food front, and have hit cardio every day. Its been a nice surprise that the gym has not killed me as I thought it would. I'm going to pick up strength training again next week, wanted to get a headstart with cardio first. Sucks to be the fat girl at the gym again, but so be it. I'm trying to find the lessons in starting over again.

1/4/09 Stats

Pretty ok day today. Drank my water, helped by the fact that I have a miserable head cold. Got in 35 minutes of cardio at the gym and 10 min of core workout on the ball. Food was so-so today. Tomorrow will be better. Back to normal life after the holidays!

Restart

I've read lots and lots of weight loss blogs, cooking blogs, get healthy blogs. Have lots of favorites and people that I admire who have changed their lives. As for me, I've been pretty private with my ongoing battle with my weight. I've been dieting as long as I can remember, probably since I was about 10 years old, and I'm 34 now. The most recent success and subsequent ginormous failure started in 2003. I joined WW at 282 pounds.... the heaviest that I had ever been. I was tired of being tired, tired of feeling less than deserving of good things, tired of being my own harshest critic. I was successful, in theory, on this journey. Over the course of two years, I lost 80 some pounds, getting down at one point to 199, and a size 14. Then, life got in the way, and I lost my death grip on my carefully contrived routine of food and exercise. I met my future husband, had major surgery, struggled with some clinical depression, got married.... all in the course of a couple of years.

Now I'm sitting at 260, with some hard lessons learned:
1. I didn't have the weight thing beat as I thought I did. What I had was a routine, the diet and exercise routine that took up so much of my mind share that I couldn't fit in anything else.
2. I need to fix my relationship with food, not adopt another diet.
3. I need to take care of myself, and taking care of everyone else is not an excuse... all that ignoring me got me was total unhappiness with my body.
4. The people I take care of will benefit from me being healthy. I will be happier, have more energy and be a positive influence in their lives.

So, here we go. I've gone back to the gym, started last Friday. I'm working slowly into the food thing.... still not sure if I want to go back to counting, WW style, or SouthBeach, or... I might end up with a hybrid. My plan.

This blog is for me, to keep me accountable. As corny as it sounds, this is a new day. It has to be.