Sick

This has been a sucky week. Really busy at work, and REALLY can't get over this stupid sinus infection. I don't remember the last time I breathed through my nose, and my head fells full and slow. Needless to say, I have not been to the gym, and my food intake has been so-so. I'm going to try to get back to the gym this weekend, and see If I can kick this thing.. Try, try again.... right?!?!?

Nothingness

Have not accomplished much of anything today. Turns out I have had a sinus infection for the past few weeks, and after going to the dr yesterday, today I actually feel worse. My head is stuffed full, and it has given me no good reason to go to the gym. So, I decided to take a little bit of a break today. Did some laundry, watched some football with the hubs on the couch with my blankie. I did watch my food intake today, and did ok, except for one small cheese incident (damn you, extra sharp white cheddar from the Co-op).

Tonight I'm going to put together a new gym mix for the iPod, look at my menu planner for the week, and start fresh.

Running... and not because I'm being chased....

At the gym yesterday I did the run/walk thing on the treadmill. You know, a couple minutes of running, couple of walking. I'll just say it right now. I'm totally intimidated by running. And I suck at it. Why is it that I can go forever on a cardio machine, and really work at it, and never feel like my heart is going to explode like it does after two minutes of running. I have to admit that it actually makes me a little bit afraid. Six o'clock news will be all about this poor chubby girl who overdid it a little bit at the gym, and kicked the bucket, right between the elliptical and the treadmill. Funny.... sort of. As I work towards trying to be a runner, I have more to work on in my head than anything else, I think. Another thing to add to the list.

As an aside, I'm currently counting calories, rather than points. It seems to be working. There is still a lot of emphasis placed on the process, which I think I have to get away from ultimately. But in the meantime, I find out if I map out my whole day and write down, and not have to make choices along the way, there is less obsessing over food.

Good Monday

Overall a pretty good Monday. Made good food choices all day long, drank all of my water, hit the gym tonight for cardio and abs. SO MANY people at the gym, Wow. I can't poke fun because it turns out I'm one of those new resolution folks, although its kind of by accident. My new beginning really has nothing to do with the new year, and everything to do with being ready to restart, and actually took place the week before the new year.... if anyone is wondering.

The only downside of today is that I was really hungry when I got home from the gym, and am feeling right now like I ate way too much dinner. Ugh. Here's to the 400 calories I burned at the gym saving my ass at dinnertime. The hungry thing that I talked about in my last post is obviously a work in progress. Why is it so hard to make good choices in reasonable portions when you are so hungry? This is the whole reason I started avoiding hunger in the first place. More to come on that I'm sure.

I have to confess that I'm a gym people watcher.... and yes, sometimes I do get caught staring. Its just that I'm so interested in what gets people to the gym on a regular basis. There is that one tv commercial, I think it is for 24Hour Fitness, maybe, where everyone has their reason for exercise written on their t-shirt. I love that commercial, because I think a really important part of my journey is figuring out what my t-shirt would say.... and I don't know yet.

Hungry!

I had a good day today. Sounds weird, but I am currently working on being hungry. Hungry doesn't happen very often to me.... I avoid it. For years I have associated being hungry with getting out of control with food. The idea originally was (and its not a bad one) is that if I would get too hungry, then I would not make good food choices. What it turned into over the last few years is me avoiding hunger...completely. I would eat my next meal or snack in advance of being hungry. It was just one more illusion of control on my part.

So, today was "don't eat until you are hungry day." For someone who thinks normally about food, this would seem like a no-brainer. For me, it took a fair amount of effort. But, the results were good. I waited to be hungry before putting anything in my mouth all day long. I realized two things: 1) that I don't have to be scared to be hungry, 2) I eat less if I wait until I'm hungry. Go figure. Sometimes I'm pretty slow for a smart girl.

Since the hubby is still out of town, I had what sometimes is my favorite dinner tonight... Random Bites o' Stuff. A mini eggbeater omelette with sauteed zucchini, a couple of pieces of raw cauliflower, a handful of pita chips with some lowfat artichoke tapenade and a No Pudge Brownie. Weird? Yes. Yummy? Definitely.

Ups and Downs and A Mini-Rant

So, weird day today. It started out ok, with a triple nonfat latte, and a morning free of meetings. Got better as I got closer to a long-overdue hair appointment this afternoon. Then, due to some automotive issues (damn jeep), I spent the evening shuffling cars around with my personal mechanic (dad). This meant that not only did I not go to the gym, I had a burger for dinner. Sitting on the couch right now, feeling a bit sick from the burger in my gut. However, had a good visit with dad, which does not happen very often. So, I'll be back to the gym tomorrow, and since the hubby is out of town, will probably have something veggie-licious for dinner tomorrow night.

So, speaking of veggies, I caught a few minutes of some show tonight on TV talking with Jessica Seinfeld, and her cookbook Deceptively Delicious. OMG. Am I the only person that thinks tricking your kids into eating vegetables by hiding veggie puree in recipes is AWFUL?!?! Has Miz Seinfeld considered that at some point her kids will be adults who will STILL refuse to eat vegetables, because in their minds, they never have before? This is apalling to me, and even more so because Oprah has endorsed this crazy way of thinking. Talk about food issues....wow.

I am grateful to have grown up in an environment where vegetables were fresh, plentiful and part of everyday life. This healthful journey would be so much harder if I were trying to avoid those foods.

Polar Bears?

I'm reading this book right now, callled the "4 Day Win." Premise is basically that diets don't work... you have to change the way you think about food in order to succeed. The author talks about Polar Bears, and starvation mode. Basically Polar Bears will eat everything that they can get their paws on, because they know there will be a time shortly when there won't be enough to eat. This is the same way that diets make you feel, you are immediately into starvation mode, which means that in many cases you will do the opposite of dieting. You will put away as much food as possible in order to avoid "starvation."

This is an interesting idea as I approach lifestyle modification. I am totally on board that deprivation will create an insane desire to overeat..... even thinking about deprivation launches me into planning my next meal. You'd think I grew up in the Depression, or that my parents didn't feed me. Believe me, neither are the case.

I am an expert dieter. I can regurgitate ww points values until the cows come home. I think the big challenge for me this time is changing the way I think about food. Food is fuel. Period.

The last couple of days have been pretty good. I've done ok on the food front, and have hit cardio every day. Its been a nice surprise that the gym has not killed me as I thought it would. I'm going to pick up strength training again next week, wanted to get a headstart with cardio first. Sucks to be the fat girl at the gym again, but so be it. I'm trying to find the lessons in starting over again.

1/4/09 Stats

Pretty ok day today. Drank my water, helped by the fact that I have a miserable head cold. Got in 35 minutes of cardio at the gym and 10 min of core workout on the ball. Food was so-so today. Tomorrow will be better. Back to normal life after the holidays!

Restart

I've read lots and lots of weight loss blogs, cooking blogs, get healthy blogs. Have lots of favorites and people that I admire who have changed their lives. As for me, I've been pretty private with my ongoing battle with my weight. I've been dieting as long as I can remember, probably since I was about 10 years old, and I'm 34 now. The most recent success and subsequent ginormous failure started in 2003. I joined WW at 282 pounds.... the heaviest that I had ever been. I was tired of being tired, tired of feeling less than deserving of good things, tired of being my own harshest critic. I was successful, in theory, on this journey. Over the course of two years, I lost 80 some pounds, getting down at one point to 199, and a size 14. Then, life got in the way, and I lost my death grip on my carefully contrived routine of food and exercise. I met my future husband, had major surgery, struggled with some clinical depression, got married.... all in the course of a couple of years.

Now I'm sitting at 260, with some hard lessons learned:
1. I didn't have the weight thing beat as I thought I did. What I had was a routine, the diet and exercise routine that took up so much of my mind share that I couldn't fit in anything else.
2. I need to fix my relationship with food, not adopt another diet.
3. I need to take care of myself, and taking care of everyone else is not an excuse... all that ignoring me got me was total unhappiness with my body.
4. The people I take care of will benefit from me being healthy. I will be happier, have more energy and be a positive influence in their lives.

So, here we go. I've gone back to the gym, started last Friday. I'm working slowly into the food thing.... still not sure if I want to go back to counting, WW style, or SouthBeach, or... I might end up with a hybrid. My plan.

This blog is for me, to keep me accountable. As corny as it sounds, this is a new day. It has to be.